1. He’s a good strong Christian. An Episcopalian. Wait, I mean a Baptist. Oops, hold on, let me check. Okay, here it is: a long-time non-practicing Episcopalian who recently announced to heavily Baptist North Carolina that he is actually Baptist. Never mind that he hasn’t been baptized (which is sort of a big thing for Baptists).
2. Unlike John Edwards, he would never engage in adultery. Anymore. Of course his marriage to current wife Cindy emerged out of his 1980 affair on his then-wife Carol, who had gained weight after a horrible car accident.
3. He respects women. Except when volunteering his wife as a candidate for a topless beauty contest (last week).
4. John McCain is a straight-shooter who won’t flip-flop on issues (disclaimer—this statement does not apply to the following issues: (tax cuts for wealthy—against then for, torture—strongly against then for, citizenship for immigrants’ children who finish high school—for then against, immigration—announced he would vote against his own immigration policy, ethanol—against then for . . . darn, I’m running out of room).
5. People around the world don’t come to hear him speak or think he offers hope for the world. That kind of thing is so annoying.
6. He’s not an overachiever. He proudly boasts that he graduated near the bottom of his military class. And we sure wouldn’t want anyone overqualified making commander-in-chief-type decisions.
7. He’s good at ingratiating himself with powerful people. Take his first senate run—he found himself a good sponsor (owner of a beer distributorship), seduced and married his daughter (despite his pesky other marriage), and used her money to finance his campaign. Just imagine what he could do with mid-eastern oil shahs!
8. He’s like Ronald Reagan. Aside from the fact that he became estranged from the Reagans after his infidelities came to light and the Reagans strongly sympathized with McCain’s ex-wife Carol.
9. He doesn’t pat the butts of US Olympic athletes like GW Bush. Really. Thank goodness.
10. He’s not elitist. Those people who grow up in one-bedroom houses, work their way through college, give their kids $1/week allowances and attend parent-teacher conferences (like the Obamas) are SO uppity.
